


How I Feel

by consultingpiemaker



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Coming Out, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-17
Updated: 2014-07-17
Packaged: 2018-02-09 06:28:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1972389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/consultingpiemaker/pseuds/consultingpiemaker
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After many unsuccessful double dates, Steve figured out that he is somehow different. He just didn't have the same luck with women as Bucky, and he started to think about reasons. At night he lied awake, totally clueless, and when Bucky noticed that something was bugging him, he and Steve had an eye-opening talk.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How I Feel

Steve was sitting on the stairs that led to Bucky's apartment, and his sketchbook was in his lap. He was drawing the building opposite him, which has by now become his most drawn building ever since he moved in with Bucky. He memorized every little detail by now, even the ornaments that cast tiny shadows on the wall. He could probably draw it in his sleep.

Steve loved drawing, he had loved it since he was a young boy and there was nothing else on earth that he treasured more than the sketchbook his mom got him for his ninth birthday. This was also the year that his father died, and drawing has always been an escape from reality for him where he could cope with everything in his life in his own way.

There were a lot of sketches of his parents in his book, but he had stopped not long after his mother died, he just couldn't bring himself to draw them anymore. Luckily, he had Bucky who he could turn to and who was there for him (and vice versa), so there were quite a few sketches of him in the book.

Whenever Steve needed some time to think, he usually resorted to drawing buildings. He took his sketchbook and a pen, started walking down the street and sat down someplace he felt at ease, and he started to draw. He had drawn a _lot_ of buildings lately, and that's because he had a lot to think about in that time of his life.

Firstly, he wanted to make the world a better place, and although he didn't have an easy life and some people could definitely treat him better, he felt like he had the duty to make sure that other people are safe and sound. Not only the people in his own life, family and friends, but people who were good at heart and deserved it. Of course, Steve loved art and he loved going to art school, but he felt like there was more for him to do. But for now, he had to live with the fact that he was a student who did some voluntary work in school, he just had to take one step at a time to make the world a better place.

Secondly, he wanted justice and kindness in the world, but some people around the neighborhood definitely weren't up for that. Whether it was because of his skinniness, apparent vulnerability, or his forwardness concerning unfair and unsolicited treatment, Steve didn't know and he definitely didn't understand why, but he has been in so many fights with people that he lost count. And no matter how hard he tried, but he just couldn't keep a woman interested in him for any time longer than an hour.

And that's the third thing he couldn't stop thinking about, women. Why was it so hard for him to meet a girl he could fall in love with and who falls in love with him? He just didn't understand and no matter on how many double dates he has been on, he slowly but surely lost interest in even going out with women. Because every time he asked himself, what's the point in going out with them in the first place if they end up distancing themselves from him and ending the evening before it really began? Steve hated nothing more than to see Bucky and his date laughing and having a good time, and he stood beside them, having a miserable time and wishing he was home instead.

"You just have to wait and find the right person for you, Steve, there's no need to rush," Bucky said when Steve had one of his "I will be alone forever." moments after they came home from a double date. "It will happen when it's meant to happen, don't worry."

"Yeah, _you_ can talk," Steve snorted. "Every girl that comes your way ends up falling for you because you're so _charming_ and _charismatic_ ," (he said this rather mockingly), "and then they spot me next to you and must think I'm a joke."

"They don't think that."

"Oh yeah? How would you know?" They had conversations like this more often than Steve would like to admit, but he just had to let out his anger from time to time. To be honest, _anger_ might sound a bit harsh, it was more of dissatisfaction with himself, he obviously couldn't blame any of his dates.

"Don't be ridiculous, Steve," Bucky answered and the tone of his voice made clear that he had enough of Steve's complaints for the night.

"It's the truth." And that was the end of their discussion.

So that's why Steve spent his free time drawing buildings and just thinking. He was so deep in thoughts that he didn't see or hear Bucky approaching.

"You look so relaxed when you're drawing, you know that?" Steve startled and nearly ruined his drawing.

"Jeeze, Bucky, don't do that."

"What, come home?" He smiled and gave Steve's shoulder a squeeze when he passed him on the stairs.

After a couple of minutes later, Steve declared his work finished and he went inside. Bucky was heating up the soup that they had made the day before and on the table was fresh bread.

"You hungry?" Bucky asked when Steve closed the door behind him.

"Starving."

"Good."

After putting away his sketchbook, Steve set the table and cut the bread. The soup was steaming by now, so Bucky filled two bowls and put them on the table. The next few minutes they both sat in silence and ate the soup and some slices of bread, until Bucky asked, "Are you free on Friday?"

"Oh, please no." Steve let his hands that were holding the spoon and one slice of bread fall down on the table and he groaned annoyed. He knew exactly what Bucky was about to say.

"Come on, Steve, it'll be fun."

"You say that every time and then it ends with you disappearing with your date and leaving me alone with a girl that loses interest in me with every word that I say."

Bucky sighed. "That's – that's not quite true, and you know that. _Try_ to have fun, you never even give them a chance to like you. If you would look at me like you look at them, when your smile is not even reaching your eyes and there's no hint of joy on your face whatsoever, I'd also lose interest in you pretty fast."

"Then don't look at me," Steve answered, his joyful mood from one minute ago gone.

"Listen, I don't want to hurt you or mock you. I wanted to help you with setting up double dates, I know that you don't like to be alone with a woman, that's why I asked–"

Steve groaned again and Bucky stopped talking. He was slightly annoyed by Steve's behavior, and he was on the verge of standing up when Steve went on, "I'm sorry, Buck, I'm just tired of pretending, you know. I try to, for your sake, because you manage to convince two girls to go on a double date with us, I really appreciate that, and I feel like I owe you."

"Then why don't you want to go on Friday?"

"I'm just– I don't really have a reason, I just want to avoid another rejection, that's all."

Bucky had to look away, a lopsided grin on his face. He was in no way teasing Steve, quite the reverse, he knew what a kind-hearted person Steve was and he had no doubt that someday a woman would walk into his life that appreciates the hell out if him. "I don't want to make you do something that you don't want to, but I'd be very happy if you would join me on Friday. I totally understand if you don't want to, I just want you to think about it and maybe you change your mind."

"Thanks, Buck."

"Don't mention it."

* * *

For that night, Steve put a mattress in front of Bucky's bed. He lied down and buried himself under the covers because he felt cold. There were so many thoughts racing through his head, he knew he was up for a sleepless night. Luckily, Bucky was out tonight, meeting up with a girl he met the week before, so Steve had a bit of time for himself.

For several months now Bucky had arranged double dates. At first, Steve was really excited because in high school he never really went up to girls to talk to them, he actually felt intimidated by some of them. Because of his looks and his lack of muscles and _manliness_ (as some of the girls put it nicely) he had often been made fun of. So of course he avoided any unnecessary interactions with girls.

And now he had reached a point where he had to acknowledge to himself that it would simply not work. No matter how many times Bucky told him to "give it a chance" and "she's very nice, she'll like you", he was tired of being rejected over and over again.

But why did it never work? That's the question that kept him up at night. Why did it seem that he was the only guy in the whole city who couldn't keep a girl interested in him? He would love to ask some of the girls he went out on a date with if he had done anything wrong and what he could do better. But he never actually asked them, he wouldn't dare, so he resorted to Bucky.

As a matter of fact, there were hardly any people in his life that he could talk to without any problems. Before Bucky, Steve didn't really have any friends. There were some people at school that he talked to now and then, but in the end he didn’t consider them friends when they would be a part of the cheering crowd that was laughing at him getting beaten up by another guy.

As for Bucky, it was different. Although Steve needs to let out his anger sometimes and what better way is there than a fight, he never held it against Bucky to drag him away. He would never admit it, but he was aware that he usually didn't stand a chance in a fight, so Bucky had definitely saved him some bruises and broken bones.

When Steve thought of Bucky, he felt very calm and relaxed and he could feel his beating heart in his chest. He blamed his admiration of him, and his jealousy of his easiness in life and his good nature. He envied Bucky because he was what he wanted to be, and sometimes he hated him for that.

 _Life is unfair_ , Steve thought to himself, and he turned around to lie on his side and tried to sleep.

The noises of a key and the silent squeak of the opening and closing front door woke Steve from his dreams. He peeked at the door and saw Bucky's silhouette moving through the room and then he heard the bathroom door. He had trouble keeping his eyes open, he felt tired and drifted back to sleep only to suddenly come to again when the mattress next to him creaked.

He could hear Bucky's breaths getting quieter and longer, and he tried to fall back to sleep again, but he couldn't. He was suddenly aware of every noise in the room: the ticking of the clock, the howling wind at the shutter that Bucky meant to fix for days and the rustling of the trees outside as well as passing cars. He knew it was getting really late, but he couldn't force himself to sleep, so he figured why not stay awake.

Rolling on his back and crossing his arms on his chest, he stared at the ceiling where the trees cast their dancing shadows on. For a minute he thought about everything and nothing, just lying in his bed and breathing and thinking. His thoughts wandered off to Bucky and what he had done this night. He had told him earlier that he wanted to meet up with Annie, the girl from last week, for a drink. Usually Steve couldn't care less about Bucky and his countless dates, but he couldn't just turn his jealousy of, no matter how ridiculous he felt about it. He wished that it wouldn't be that much of a deal to go out with a girl as it was to Bucky, but… it simply was for him.

He had met Annie a few days earlier when he returned from art school and she was just leaving the apartment. "Hey Steve," she had said and smiled at him before lifting up her hand to wave hello and goodbye. She looked very friendly and beautiful and oh, what Steve wouldn't give to be in Bucky's shoes. Just for once he wanted someone to look at him the way girls looked at Bucky, but as always he wished in vain.

The worst part was, he couldn't even blame them. He was just a skinny dude and Bucky was tall and had muscles and had no difficulty breathing after running up some stairs. He didn't shy away from conversations and he spread joy and you could tell how self-confident he was simply by looking at him. More than once did Steve overhear girls whispering how handsome he was, and of course Steve had to agree (he wasn't blind). He had a nice smile and a fit, athletic body, and he could afford stylish clothes.

Steve imagined what it must be like to be a girl. And as soon as he thought that, he imagined what it would be like to date Bucky. Since Steve was almost all the time at his side, he knew how warm Bucky smiled at them, occasionally put his arm around them, made them laugh with actually funny jokes and stories, and just charmed them with his ridiculous good looks. Steve was pretty sure that he would also fall for Bucky if he were a girl, and when it dawned on him what he was thinking, he shook his head at his stupidity and smirked.

Life would be so much easier if you wouldn't have to date.

"You awake?" Steve whispered after some time, and Bucky grunted. "Can we talk?"

"As far as I know, that's what we do all the time."

"I mean, seriously talk."

"Hm?"

"I need someone to talk to." He heard something rustling when Bucky sat up and lied down on his side so that he looked at Steve's silhouette.

"Sure."

"Promise me you won't judge me or make fun of me."

"Steve–"

"Promise."

"Alright, alright, I promise. What is this about?"

Steve swallowed and crossed his arms over his head. He couldn't believe that he was about to share his thoughts and feelings with Bucky. "It's sort of a confession, I think, and it's been bugging me for the last past months, just so you know." He paused and took a deep breath before he went on. "I'm starting to think that there is something wrong with me. I know that I look tiny and weak, but I refuse to believe that physical attraction is the only way to get someone interested in you."

"It's not," Bucky agreed quietly.

"I mean, what's the point in having someone you love when you can't talk with them? You have to be able to have conversations and to laugh together, and I feel like I can't do that no matter how hard I try. Can they be so repulsed by my look that they don't even want to listen to me or–"

"Let me stop you right there," Bucky interrupted him. "So your point is that you think of yourself as unattractive and uninteresting, right?"

"I just feel like they don't want to be near me."

"That's bullshit, Steve. Don't be so hard on yourself, you're way better than you think."

"Then tell me why I never go out twice with a girl."

"You're putting way too much pressure on yourself, you have only just started dating. There obviously hasn’t been a girl that made you think it was worth a second date, so just have patience and wait until it happens. The right one will come along eventually." With that, Bucky turned around and faced the wall to sleep. His breaths started to even out and he drifted off to sleep, but then Steve had another question.

"What does it feel like to be with a girl?"

"You mean–"

Steve instantly shook his head. "No, no. What does it feel like to be in love?"

Bucky snorted. "Ask me something I know."

"You've never been in love?"

"Not really? At least I think so." Steve had to hide a smirk (as if it mattered in the darkness) because here he was, talking with his best friend about love. That was so mature and yet so cheesy in his opinion.

"You've dated so many girls and none of them ever made you feel like you're on top of the world and the luckiest man on the planet?"

"No? I don't know what you want me to tell you, I'm not an expert as you may think. You don't have to fall in love with every person you are dating, sometimes it's just nice to have someone beside you to talk to and laugh with."

"Why can't I date you?" Steve asked out loud, but it was more of a rhetorical question (of a desperate man).

"What?"

"I can talk to you just fine, so why not date you?"

"You _do_ know that I'm a man, right?" Steve could hear Bucky laugh, but he soon stopped and silence filled the room. After a while it was getting really awkward, but then Steve shrugged.

"So?"

" _So_?" Bucky repeated, his voice getting louder. "What the hell, man? We're friends!"

"No need to freak out, I didn't even mean it," Steve replied and raised his hands in a defensive manner.

"You better." Bucky huffed and rolled his eyes at Steve's ridiculous question.

It was agonizingly silent between them for the next couple of minutes, and Steve's thoughts were racing. At first he felt like he was just joking, but he was so hurt by Bucky's remark that he started to realize there was more behind it. If there was a girl on earth that he could talk to just like he could with Bucky, who made him feel comfortable when he was around, was there for him when he needed help, was trustworthy and most importantly loyal, and of course interested in him and willing to spend time with him, then he would go for it and try to be with her. So why not Bucky?

Steve cursed himself for feeling a pain in his chest, and he could feel a lump in his throat. When he reached out to pinch the bridge of his nose, he felt tears running down his cheeks. He snorted and swiped them away, and he wanted to punch himself for being so affected by Bucky's words.

"Are you crying?" Bucky's voice was merely a whisper, Steve had hardly heard him through his sniffs.

"Maybe," he replied, but his voice cracked and he was on the verge of actually sobbing.

"This is so fucked up, Steve," Bucky muttered and after a while he added, "But can you please stop crying? There's no need to cry, we'll figure something out, I promise."

Steve sobbed at that and buried his head in his pillow. "You don't have any idea what it feels like," he mumbled.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to be so harsh, I'm just as clueless as you are. I'm not a wise old man who has the answer for everything and gives helpful advice." Bucky had faced the room again and he was lying on the edge of his mattress so that he had a good look at Steve. His hair was ruffled up, his face was buried in his hands, and his shoulders shook with the silent sobs. Bucky had seen Steve cry some times before, but it was usually about something that Bucky could help him with and take care of. But this? What was he supposed to do? "Steve?"

"Hm?"

"Do you maybe think–" Bucky started. "Can it be that you're attracted to men?"

Steve didn't answer. He had thought about it, but he had never said it out loud, so now when he heard Bucky saying it, he started to consider it.

"There is nothing wrong with that, Steve, if you are. It would explain a lot, I think."

"But I don't think I'm gay," Steve replied, not really sure anymore.

"You _do_ know you can be attracted to both men and women, right?"

"I always thought that's just made up."

"Well, it's not. So maybe…" Bucky pressed his lips together and tilted his head. "It's not easy, that's for sure. There are a lot of people who disagree with that lifestyle, so you have to be careful if you don't want to get hurt. I don't have a problem with it, just so you know."

"Thanks, but I'm still not sure."

"You are young, you have so much time to figure out what you want, just be open and accept yourself the way you are."

"Words of wisdom," Steve said and had to smile. "I really appreciate your help, Bucky, thank you."

"Anytime, and don't be afraid to talk to me ever again, I'm here for you."

Steve had stopped crying and he was lying on his back again, his arms crossed behind his head. His heart was beating very fast, but not alarmingly. "I think I know what it's like to be in love."

"Tell me."

"You know when you see someone and your day instantly gets better because they are with you? And when they smile you care about nothing else and you feel happy to be with them. You can't believe how beautiful they look, how peaceful they sleep, you feel carefree when you're together, and you know that you can trust them and that they always have your back."

"So who's the lucky girl then? Or boy, for that matter?"

Steve gulped and plucked up courage. "That's how I feel about you."

Bucky didn't answer for quite a while, he just stared at the ceiling and processed what Steve had just said. "You sure?"

"I'm not joking this time."

"Now I'm really speechless, Steve," Bucky replied. "I sure as hell didn't expect that."

Steve lied down on his side again so that he was facing Bucky on his bed. "I just wanted to come clean with you. All this kept bugging me and I have no one else to talk to, so I hope you forgive me."

"For what?" Bucky laughed. "For having feelings for me? That's nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, I feel deeply flattered." You could hear in his voice that he truly meant it. "And to be honest, I can't hold it against you to fall for someone so beautiful and smart and attractive as me." Bucky started to laugh and suddenly got a punch to his ribs. "Ouch!"

"Don't be so narcissistic, you jerk." Steve had to smirk when he said that. "Or I might take back everything I just said."

Bucky laughed again. "You don't have to."

Feeling very grateful and also very tired now, Steve turned on his back again and closed his eyes. He was so relieved that he finally got everything off his chest and realized some things about himself, but he still felt a little bit of fear. Now what? He just realized that he might be in love with his best friend, and if that didn't seem like trouble, he didn't know what else would. He let out a sigh and tried not to think about it for the next couple of hours.

Then he felt a hand grabbing his own hand and dragging it into the air until he could feel another hand closing around it and squeezing. "We can do this, Steve," Bucky whispered and held his hand to his heart. Steve smiled and he could feel blood rushing into his cheeks, and his heart made a small jump.

His hand was in Bucky's until he fell asleep and it fell down to his side when he didn't have the strength to hold it anymore. But at least he knew that Bucky would always be by his side, no matter what.


End file.
